How My Insecurities Helped Me Grow

Being raised from a rather different family background, where there was only one parental figure in the family, life wasn’t a breeze for most of the time. There was the pressure of instant mental growth at a young age, the facade of needing to be constantly okay even if you’re not. This empty space that was not entirely filled most of the time is what made a grey childhood darker. Fast-forward to current times and entering my 3rd year of college, I have become a person that will habitually act strongly on the front, but was quite fragile within. A lot of my peers and friends have doubted me when I told them, “I’m not quite sure how to handle this situation,” they will counter my feelings by saying, “No, you got it! You always have the answers.” And by those words, it would become my obligation to figure a way to solve the obstacle no matter how hard. Gradually, a toxic habit of not asking for help when needed and biting more off than I can chew has been grained in my bones. And when times become extremely unbearable, I will slowly break and yet again question my strengths. “You are not worth it.” “You will never find a way.” “You are not who people think you are.” These thoughts will eventually become louder and then I’ll be buried in a pool of self-doubt and low self-esteem. The stay in the pool varies with time, sometimes a day, the longest was a month. It was difficult to speak with manners, my emotions were hard to decipher, by myself and the people around me,

I will constantly doubt the actions that I showed and nobody will know the thoughts going through my mind because, on the outside, I looked fine. In other words, I will become a mindless zombie with makeup on. This pool of negativity that was oh-so-familiar will always arrive every few months. It wasn’t until November 2020, where I sat at home, in front of my laptop, with a pile of work that I somehow did not want to touch, staring at my black laptop screen for a few seconds, was when an instant realisation struck me like lightning. The reminders from my close friends, my sister and ultimately my mom, was what made me realise that I NEEDED to change, for myself.

The starting process wasn’t very grand or momentous, but rather mundane --- I double-clicked the Bluetooth mouse attached to my laptop to wake it and just started working. As I was getting things done, small little actions steps started to pop into my mind. “You will be able to finish this today.” “Tonight, you will be going through your full skincare routine because you deserve it.” “You will get bubble tea for you and your sisters because why not?” These little action steps cleared my self-doubt, and in what way, you may ask? Well, by finishing my work today, means that I am reliable and my supervisor trusts me with the work given. Getting to do my full skincare routine, means I care about my own skin and I am the one that is putting in the effort to take care of myself. Last but not least, why not cave in to a craving that brings me joy? It was the self-gratitude that I have learnt over the years

of constant reminders during the tough challenges that came into my life. And I am utterly grateful to my pool of doubt, as it taught me how to swim during those moments of low self-confidence. This entire journey was not easy. It took me 10 years to realise my self-worth and confidence that plenty of people have seen, plenty of times and admired me for that. I am still growing, the pool of doubt does come occasionally, but rather than drowning in it, I have learnt to swim around and search for untouched areas that I could improve on. Lastly, I would just like to say, from me to you, is that you will always have self-doubting moments, times where you feel like the world is against you, and it’s okay. You have acknowledged your emotions and that is something worth praising for, as not many can do so. Now, you will need to start believing in yourself because trust me, if you look around, there will always be at least one person that has never stopped believing in you and will continue to do so, no matter what stage you are in life right now. Can’t seem to find them? Look into a mirror and you will know who you are looking for.